Telling Truths (and Lies)
Truth can be subjective. Truth requires perspective. Truth can be tricky and communicating with others, especially so. Our Throat Chakra (Vishuddha in Sanskrit) is my next stop on my review of our Chakras. The Chakras inside our bodies are seven energy points that line up with our spinal cord and connect to some of our major nerve centres. The Root Chakra resides at our coccyx (tailbone) and is the first Chakra. The second Chakra is the Sacral Chakra (Swadhithana in Sanskrit) and is located just below our navel. The third Chakra is the Solar Plexus Chakra (Manipura Chakra in Sanskrit). It lives below our sternum, close to our diaphragm. The fourth Chakra is located just above our heart and, as a result, is named the Heart Chakra (Anahata in Sanskrit).
The Throat Chakra is named logically, as that is where this Chakra resides. Vishuddha is the centre of our communication and where we can focus when we want to express ourselves. "I am expressive," is the Chakra's primal statement.
I have a long and turbulent relationship with my Throat Chakra that started long before I knew what a Chakra was. I grew up with the good fortune of finding language simple to learn, and a total lack of fear when expressing my opinions. I also had a lot of artistic and musical talent (as many children do) which my parents fostered with piano and voice lessons from a very young age, and I had many kind teachers that encouraged me in the arts. As a result, my ability to communicate effectively through visual art, writing, speaking, and music became a definite strength in my skill set.
I settled on music as my major in college. This choice may or may not have been great for me because performing as a musician became a battleground for me as I grew up. The older and more experienced I became with the technical aspects of playing piano, singing, and writing music, the less confident I was in expressing myself in that format. I found it difficult to form partnerships with other musicians. I felt like I had a lot of ideas, but couldn't find willing participants to play with me, or audiences that wanted to listen. I felt creatively lonely, and that performing was a fight with little reward. Because I thought I couldn't connect with my peers, my confidence as a musician eroded. I had to find other work to sustain myself, so I took on various jobs. Because I was still passionate about music and the arts, I didn't give up. Instead I collaborated with a friend and fantastic fellow musician to help create more local events for musicians and artists to showcase their work. Because I couldn't find support for myself, I tried to create a position that would help musicians, like me, catch a few breaks and find some more opportunities. Things went well for a while. I recorded a solo album, I kept working to find gigs for myself and others, and then everything changed again.
I got married. I moved to a new city with no creative contacts. The town we moved to was a lot more expensive than the one we left. I found a steady gig in office work, and no music gigs. I had a baby, and then another. The musician in me slipped into a coma. I didn't write, sing, or play a note for years. I told myself it was easier for me to close the pain and struggle of fighting to fit into an industry that was highly competitive and full of younger, prettier, more talented people than myself.
What I didn't anticipate when I made that decision is how much of myself I closed off. I created tiny humans, meals, a happy home, documents and ideas for work, etc. Still, I wasn't creating anything that expressed myself in the way that I used to through music and art. I managed for quite a long time to ignore that loss, but eventually, I couldn't overlook that hole in my soul anymore. I felt restless, helpless and dissatisfied. I had recurring dreams where I would try and speak or cry out to someone, and my voice was gone. It was on my mind to reconnect with my creative and expressive side.
Along with my sense of grief, longing, and desire to start creating things again was a firm voice telling me how rusty, old, untalented and inadequate I was (I am going to name her Dorkas.). So many skills that I had were lost. Any art that I made - visually or musically - would be awful.
Have I overcome this challenge? I can honestly say the struggle is still real for me. But I will say that two things helped give me a lifeline. I know I will sound a bit like a broken record, but Yoga was one of them.
When I started learning and practicing Yoga, I immediately recognized that many of the exercises I was learning in a Yoga class were virtually identical to the lessons I had since childhood practicing voice lessons. I felt initially surprised, then realized that the similarities seemed completely logical and organic to me. I am sure this is one of the many reasons why I was attracted to practicing Yoga. Connecting to and using my breath as a tool to support my actions was already something I felt confident performing. In addition to feeling connected to my breath, I also had the opportunity to learn about mediation, balancing my Chakras and different elements of my life, and listening to myself. These skills helped me come to some realizations more quickly.
The other part is courage and willful stubbornness. I have no idea where or when I earned my grit and determination, but I can tell you that I have stubbornly ignored and fought with Dorkas for years. Sure she still wins and makes me feel bad every once in a while, but I try to tamp that down. Over the years, I attempted to reclaim my creativity. I volunteered with local theatre companies performing musicals for children. I occasionally taught piano and voice lessons. There were open mic nights, drop-in choirs, karaoke nights with friends, and two little budding musicians in my house with whom I could sing and dance with great enthusiasm and silliness. I discovered that after every public performance I had, I felt regret, and Dorkas agreed with me. ‘This is not for you. That was a mistake.’ Although I love connecting and playing with other people, I wouldn't say I like it when the focus is on me and my voice. So, I have started drawing and painting instead. I also created this website to give me a chance to flex my writing muscles, and consciously use my creativity to create yoga classes for my students that have a theme or focus to guide them through their practice. Dorkas is no less bitchy, but she is quieter. I feel my Yoga instruction and visual art is safer for me right now. In art, it is optional as to what I release to other people, and what I keep private. I make MANY mistakes, but the process of experimenting and learning is joyful for me. It is not yet joyful for me when I perform music.
Even though I can explain my situation pretty well, it can still be heartbreaking and emotional for me, and very private. When I try to explain this to others, they are confused and sad for me. Some try to bolster my confidence by telling me how talented I am, and encourage me to ‘get back out there and do it!’ But for me, it isn't that simple. Dorkas makes those words of encouragement feel hollow and insincere.
So coming back: why am I talking about this in regards to the Throat Chakra? My truth has a real correlation to my voice and the energy centre of Vishuddha in such a personal way that I feel I have no better example. How heavily our emotions, connection to ourselves and others, and how these pieces of ourselves can physically affect our bodies cannot be underestimated.
Losing your power to share your perspective can be damaging. Sharing the wrong things in the wrong way can be harmful to yourself and others. You can start lying to yourself and others to justify your feelings because you are not accessing your truth. It takes courage to face these realizations, but if you can uncover ‘why’ you feel that your ability to express yourself is hindered or blocked in any area of your life, you can rise above it. This, my friend, is where the magic happens in regards to personal growth and finding true peace and happiness.
Healing your Throat Chakra:
Sing (or scream, or whistle, or hum, or make weird sounds with your mouth and your voice) and move the energy through the Throat Chakra. Buy a kazoo if you have to.
If you don't feel emotionally safe to voice your opinions straight away, journal. Make sure you're vocalizing your views in some way until you have healed enough to speak with people confidently.
When you do speak, come from a place of honesty and care. ‘THINK before you speak’ is a bit of a cliché, but I feel that you will often be on the right path to excellent communication if you follow this list.
Work with a Vocal Coach. I happen to be BFF's with one of the best in the industry, Vocal Warrior Elise Besler. She provides coaching and has published a fantastic Voice Affirmation Card Deck to get your journaling and healing started. You can order a deck here: https://www.thevocalwarrior.com/store.
Image from Elise Besler, vocalwarrior.com https://www.thevocalwarrior.com/store.
Yoga Moves:
Ujjayi Breath (Victorious Breath) - Breathe through the nose with a slight narrowing of the throat at the epiglottis, creating a soft sound like the sound of the sea, or water running through a pipe. If it isn't coming to you quickly, try to breathe in through your nose with then open your mouth and breathe out, making this sound 'haaaaaaa' like the technique you would use if you were fogging up a mirror or cleaning your sunglasses. Now try to create the same sound and sensation on the in a breath when you close your mouth, still making the same sound at the back of the throat feeling a slight restriction at the back of the throat as you do so. Continue to inhale and exhale through the nose seeking that ocean sound for up to ten breaths.
Bitilasana Marjaryasana (Cat-Cow Pose) - Cow: On hands and knees, inhale and lift your tailbone, and allow your belly to expand and descend towards the mat. Draw your chest forward between your arms to open and lift forwards. Lift your gaze and focus on lengthening from tail bone to chest. Draw your shoulder blades down your upper back and away from your ears to find length in your neck. Cat: Exhale and draw your tailbone down towards your heels. Draw your belly in and up to your spine and press the floor away by spreading your shoulder blades wide on your upper back. Look down to the floor or at your knees. Inhale and move back into the "cow" position. Alternate back and forth mindfully and slowly by following your inhalations and exhalations for ten breaths.
Bhujangasana (Cobra Pose) - Lie down flat on your front with your forehead resting the mat. Place your palms underneath your shoulders with your elbows tucked into the body. Press your pubic bone and your feet firmly into your floor, lifting your legs a little off the mat. Inhale and press into your palms, lifting your torso off the mat. Exhale, release the shoulders away from the ears and let the lower belly sink into the mat, keeping your pubic bone and feet firmly grounded. Extend your chest forward and gently lift your gaze upward. If this feels good to you, you may want to further experiment with straightening your arms and increasing the backbend. If the pose feels too intense, you can lower your gaze to the floor, or decrease the lift in your back. The more energized your legs and feet are, the better you can protect your back.
Ustrasana (Camel Pose) - Ustrasana (Camel Pose) - Starting in a kneeling position, lift your hips over your knees and raise your torso with the crown of your head to the sky. Place your knees and feet hip-width distance apart. Leave the tops of your feet flat on the floor or tuck your toes under your feet if this is comfortable. Scoop your tailbone under and press your hips forward. Roll your shoulders and head to the right side and around towards the back. Lift your left arm overhead and touch your right heel with your right hand. Reverse your roll back to kneeling straight up, then roll your shoulders and head to your left, lifting your right arm overhead, and touching your left heel. If this feels good, roll back again and try to place both hands on your heels or ankles. Lift through your chest, gently look behind you. Hold for three breaths. To come out of the pose, roll your head to one side, release your hands from your ankles, then continue to roll up to centre your torso and head. Untuck your toes (if tucked). Roll forward and press your forehead onto the floor in Balasana (Child Pose) to counter the deep backbend for three to five breaths.
Savasana (Corpse Pose) - Lie comfortably on your back. Close your eyes. Bring your legs wide and allow your feet to flop open. Bring your arms by your sides and away from your body. Turn your palms toward the sky. Tuck your shoulder blades underneath you. Tuck your chin slightly into your chest. Make any small movements you need so that you are very comfortable and then become still. Take relaxed, natural breaths through your nose. Remind yourself as you are breathing, 'I have the courage to speak my truth. I express myself freely. I am honest in my communications.’
This blog was a little wordier than I initially anticipated. Still, I hope it can give you some insight into where and why some of our struggles happen when we are trying to communicate and express ourselves. Please remember to be kind to yourself, especially when you are struggling with your internal and external dialogue. You will have 'a-ha' moments when you come out on the other side. For me, it usually ends with some self-admonishment when I realized how ignorant, in denial, or very blind I was until that moment happens. I am learning to stop doing that. May your voice, in whatever form you choose to express it, shine on. The world is better for it when you do.